A
day without sunshine is like, well, night.
On
the other hand you have different fingers.
Change
is inevitable except from a vending machine.
I
just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
When
the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen
it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those
who live by the sword... get shot by those who don't.
I
feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
He's
not dead... he's electroencephalographically challenged.
You
have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used
against you.
I
wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Honk
if you love peace and quiet.
Despite
the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing
is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
It
is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on
the cost of living.
The
50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right,
there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
It
is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would
be stupid enough to try and pass them.
You
can't have everything....where would you put it?
Latest
survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
The
things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got
there first.
A
fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
It
was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
I
wished the buck stopped here as I could use a few.
I
started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
Light
travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear
them speak.
I
would never do crack... I would never do a drug named after a part of my own
ass, okay?" Denis
Leary
"Work
is the curse of the drinking classes." Oscar
Wilde
"A
woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke." Groucho
Marx
"Smoking
kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
Brooke
Shields (during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking
campaign).
"The
problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind." Humprey
Bogart.
"You're
not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on." Joe
E Lewis.
"Always
do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth
shut." Ernest
Hemmingway.
"He
was a wise man who invented beer." Plato.
"I
can resist everything except temptation." Oscar
Wilde
"You
can tell German wine from vinegar by the label." Mark
Twain
Time
is never wasted when you're wasted all the time." Catherine
Zandonella.
"If
God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs." David
Daye.
"When
I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." Henny
Youngman.
"Beer
is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." Benjamin
Franklin.
"Without
question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant
you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly
as well with pizza." Dave
Barry.
"People
who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like
to pee a lot." Capital
Brewery, Middleton, WI.
"I
drink to make other people interesting." george
Jean Nathan.
"They
who drink beer will think beer." Washington
Irving.
"An
intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his
fools." Ernest
Hemingway (For Whom the Bell Tolls).
Not
all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for
example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer." Dave
Barry.
"Giving
up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it
thousands of times." Mark
Twain
"I
drink therefore I am." WC
Fields.
"An
alcoholic is anyone you don't like who drinks more than you do." Dylan
Thomas.
"I
hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've
always worked for me." Hunter
S Thompson.
"Reality
is an illusion created by a lack of alcohol." NF
Simpson.
"My
dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York
City?" Henry
Youngman.
"Cocaine
is God's way of saying you're making too much money." Robin
Williams.
"I'd
rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal labotomy." Fred
Allen.
"I
once shook hands with Pat Boone and my whole right side sobered up." Dean
Martin.
I
know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry." Robert
Benchley.
"He
once had his toes amputated so he could stand closer to the bar." Mike
Harding.
"I
never smoked a cigarette until I was nine." HL
Mencken.
"I
smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to
something." George
Burns.
"I
don't like people who take drugs... Customs men for example." Mick
Miller.
"I
drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in
it." Rodney
Dangerfield.
"Reality
is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs." Robin
Williams.
"Prohibition
is better than no liquor at all." Will
Rogers.
"Real
ale fans are just like train-spotters, only drunk." Christopher
Howse.
"I
am a drinker with writing problems." Brendan
Behan.
"At
my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries
page and if I'm not there I carry on as usual." Patrick
Moore.
"First
you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up
and finally, you forget to pull it down." George
Burns.
"It's
not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it
happens." Woody
Allen
"Either
he's dead or my watch has stopped." Groucho
Marx
"To
lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like
carelessness." Oscar
Wilde
"I
don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it through
not dying." Woody
Allen
"So
my choice is 'Or Death?'." Eddie
Izzard .
"A
man's only as old as the woman he feels." Groucho
Marx
"For
three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls
taper off." Johnny
Carson.
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