- He who laughs last thinks slowest.
- Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
- A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
- On the other hand you have different fingers.
- Change is inevitable except from a vending machine.
- I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
- Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
- Those who live by the sword... get shot by those who don't.
- I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
- He's not dead... he's electroencephalographically challenged.
- You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
- I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
- Honk if you love peace and quiet.
- Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
- Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
- It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
- The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
- It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
- You can't have everything....where would you put it?
- Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
- The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.
- It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
- I wished the buck stopped here as I could use a few.
- I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
- Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
I would never do crack... I would never do a drug named after a part of my own ass, okay?"
Denis Leary
"Work is the curse of the drinking classes."
Oscar Wilde
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
Brooke Shields (during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign).
"The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind."
Humprey Bogart.
"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on."
Joe E Lewis.
"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut."
Ernest Hemmingway.
"He was a wise man who invented beer."
Plato.
"I can resist everything except temptation."
Oscar Wilde .
"You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label."
Mark Twain
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time."
Catherine Zandonella.
"If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs."
David Daye.
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
Henny Youngman.
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
Benjamin Franklin.
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
Dave Barry.
"People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot."
Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI.
"I drink to make other people interesting."
George Jean Nathan.
"They who drink beer will think beer."
Washington Irving.
"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools."
Ernest Hemingway (For Whom the Bell Tolls).
"I'm not a heavy drinker, I can sometimes
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer."
Dave Barry.
"Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times."
"I drink therefore I am."
WC Fields.
"An alcoholic is anyone you don't like who drinks more than you do."
Dylan Thomas.
"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me."
Hunter S Thompson.
"Reality is an illusion created by a lack of alcohol."
NF Simpson.
"My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?"
Henry Youngman.
"Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money."
Robin Williams.
"I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal labotomy."
Fred Allen.
"I once shook hands with Pat Boone and my whole right side sobered up."
Dean Martin.
I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry."
Robert Benchley.
"He once had his toes amputated so he could stand closer to the bar."
Mike Harding.
"I never smoked a cigarette until I was nine."
HL Mencken.
"I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something."
George Burns.
"I don't like people who take drugs... Customs men for example."
Mick Miller.
"I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it."
Rodney Dangerfield.
"Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs."
Robin Williams.
"Prohibition is better than no liquor at all."
Will Rogers.
"Real ale fans are just like train-spotters, only drunk."
Christopher Howse.
"I am a drinker with writing problems."
Brendan Behan.
"At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I'm not there I carry on as usual."
Patrick Moore.
"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down."
George Burns.
"It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens."
Woody Allen
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
Groucho Marx
"To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness."
Oscar Wilde
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it through not dying."
Woody Allen
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
Groucho Marx
"For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off."
Johnny Carson.
"I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes."
Emo Philips
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